


Sorely Expected

by Aki_teru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Murder-Suicide, there is also a short chat section
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:59:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14925503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aki_teru/pseuds/Aki_teru
Summary: He wasn’t sure how to tell them. Or if he even could. He had trouble just thinking about it to himself....It happened so suddenly. Not that it was unexpected, but.....he wasn’t so sure he wanted his team to know that side of his life. He didn’t want to feel.....exposed...pitied.......small.......or whatever else it was that he was feeling. It was a jumble of emotions and also lack thereof. It didn’t make sense. His feelings didn’t make sense. He was broken.





	Sorely Expected

He wasn’t sure how to tell them. Or if he even could. He had trouble just thinking about it to himself....It happened so suddenly. Not that it was unexpected, but.....he wasn’t so sure he wanted his team to know that side of his life. He didn’t want to feel.....exposed...pitied....... _small_.......or whatever else it was that he was feeling. It was a jumble of emotions and also lack thereof. It didn’t make sense. His feelings didn’t make sense. He was _broken._

Kenjirou stared blankly at his team and at the police that beckoned him toward them. He felt detached. Cemented in place. Voiceless.

A quietness had grown in the gym. Few words were spoken, only from the police that had entered the gym and informed the coach of their need to take the boy from practice. Nothing else was said, but he could feel everyone’s eyes on him. He suddenly felt dwarfed. Outcast. Nobody knew what had happened, but the atmosphere made one thing clear: _Someone had died._

They gave him a moment to change out of practice clothes. The gym remained quieter than usual, the energy having been sucked out of it. Despite the coach’s orders for the rest of the team to continue practice as they would, the team’s movements were slower and less intense than usual. All movement stopped and all eyes focused on him the moment he’d come out of the locker room. The walk across the gym felt like it dragged on. Any sounds in the quiet gym felt distant and bubbled. A pressure weighed on him as he kept his eyes forward, following the policemen outside. He felt those eyes on him until the moment the door closed behind him, and then the crushing horde of emotions lifted from him. The fresh air calmed his anxiety somewhat and removed the pressure from his body. Kenjirou had a feeling he knew what was coming. He had dreamt of this sort of scenario many times, but the numbness that came with the real situation was far different from the anger and sadness he’d always imagined. It almost didn’t feel real to him.

Even as one of the police officers took him into his office, Kenjirou felt nothing but a numb emptiness. He could hear the man speaking, and he understood everything that was being said. Yet all he could do was nod faintly and stare ahead.

The officer spoke quietly and as gently, as if any tone louder could shatter the boy. He did his best to inform Kenjirou of his parents’ deaths, treading as lightly as possible.

Kenjirou couldn’t feel anything.

He knew what had happened even without hearing it.

It was the biggest thing in his life that he had tried so desperately to hide and to run from. It was only a matter of time before something big happened. Before someone died.

He didn’t cry.

He wasn’t sure he could do anything more than stare blankly at the floor in front of him, as the energy he’d had during practice had completely depleted and drained from his body. He felt heavy, as if gravity itself had increased upon him.

He couldn’t think straight. Or even at all. His mind had become......just a blank void. Void of thought. Void of feeling....

Void of life.

He could hear everything around him. The officer’s apology and the footsteps as the man left the room. The creak of the floor boards as a group of officers outside quietly discussed the situation....their words of how sorry they felt for him....questions of what was going to happen to him......the cars passing on the street outside. And so prominently, the ticking of the clock on the wall resonated in his skull.

_Tick._

_Tick._

_Tick._

_Tick._

_Tick._

_Ding. Ding. Ding._

Every little thing that he normally wouldn’t notice was suddenly so pronounced, and yet......at the same time, the world seemed so silent. The sounds echoed through him, following through his empty thoughts. Time seemed to disappear, as he had lost all perception beyond sound.

He was probably sitting there for a couple of hours, numbly staring into space and _listening_.

At some point, he had begun to regain his senses. First, he felt the throbbing of the veins in his wrists. He could feel his heartbeat faintly pounding against his chest. His lungs rising with each breath. His eyelashes as they brushed against his cheek with each blink. His hair as each strand tickled against his skin. He could feel the numbness in his body fading into pain as he sat uncomfortably, and the muscles in his legs seemed as though they wanted to break apart.

All he could do now was _breathe_ through the pain.

 A female officer had come in and offered him hot chocolate and a meal. Her voice had snapped him from his trance. She sounded so similar to his mother.

He felt a pang in his chest, and it took a moment to bring himself to speak. When he did, his voice was raspy and broken. “I’ll....take the hot chocolate.....”

The officer gave a pained but sympathetic smile as she gently pushed a mug into his hands. “Drink it while it’s warm,” she whispered and placed a hand on his shoulder. “We were looking through your family’s records.....you have an uncle in Osaka, correct?”

“I don’t want to go with him,” Kenjirou answered hastily, squeezing the mug in his hands as he stared into it.

The police woman watched him thoughtfully, deciding it best not to inquire. “Do you have anyone else you could stay with?”

Kenjirou continued eying the mug in his hands, letting the steam float up and heat his face. He fell silent again, his mind drifting off as he tried to think of a single person he’d feel comfortable living with. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I live in my high school’s dorm though....”

“I know,” she said, “But I’m not sure you should be alone.”

“I have a roommate.”

“But will you talk to him?” she asked sincerely.

He fell silent, knowing he was never the type to spill his feelings onto others. His team would be asking questions for sure....he wasn’t sure he could handle it. He knew he couldn’t just leave them with no explanation....but he just wasn’t ready to tell them everything.

The officer stayed with him for a while longer. It was mostly small chat, asking meaningless questions like what his hobbies and interests were. Anything just to get him talking. At some point, she started to inquire more, intruding upon his life’s secrets. As much as his heart and voice screamed for him not to tell, he knew in his mind that secrets couldn’t stay secrets forever. He had to tell them, if anything for the sake of his parents’ deaths.

“Mom is......was..stubborn.” He paused to collect his thoughts and steel his nerves. “She was determined to keep a broken relationship going...She knew it was bad, which was why she was so glad when I started living on campus......She didn’t want me around him anymore.”

“Did they argue often?”

“....Yeah. It was rare for them not to.....”

“How did you cope with that?”

Kenjirou let out a ghost of a laugh. “I just tried to focus on other things. Like...volleyball and school.”

“Did their fights ever get out of hand..?”

Kenjirou swallowed, hands fidgeting together as he gazed at the floor. “Yeah,” he answered quietly.

The officer frowned, having expected this. She reached out to try comforting him, but he spoke up again just as his fingers brushed his arm.

“He always said he would kill us and then himself,” he stated as though it were the most normal thing in the world. He folded his hands together and leaned his head forward onto them. “...I shouldn’t have left her with him.....” he said, swallowing in guilt. He felt tears prick his eyes for the first time that night and forced himself to hold back a sob. He’d abandoned her. He knew what his father was capable of. He’d watched that man hurt her. He’d felt it first-hand himself. But he was so desperate to get on that volleyball team and so desperate to get out of that situation....that he had just left her to suffer alone.

The officer assured him that it wasn’t his fault, but he couldn’t shake the guilt. He could practically feel it flowing through his veins. If he had stayed, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. His father’s wrath would have been diverted onto two subjects instead of one. Maybe she wouldn’t be dead. He should have done _something_. Something other than _leave_.

But it didn’t matter now. He knew it didn’t.

His mother was dead.

And that demonic man was as well.

Kenjirou’s thoughts returned to the earlier discussion he’d had with the officer. He’d always dreaded going home, but the one thing that kept him returning was his mother. Now, he really no longer had a place to return home to.

He didn’t know what to do.

He was confused and hurt and so wrapped up in thought that he’d barely noticed the time ticking away until it was past midnight. It was well past his curfew....not that he particularly cared at this moment. His life had just fallen apart. He’d lost the only real family he had. He’d lost any sense of a home he had outside of his small campus dorm room.

And he sure as hell wasn’t prepared to face his roommate.

Still, he didn’t have a choice.

He endured the silent drive back to campus in the back seat of the police car. He leaned his head against the cool glass and stared out at the dark roads, watching the occasional street light pass by. It was past 1AM by the time they’d reached his campus. The officer guided him through the empty dorm hallways and stopped at his doorway.

“Try to get some sleep,” she suggested and handed him a piece of paper with her name and number on it. “We’ll be in contact with you again, but if you need to reach us for anything, please don’t hesitate to give me a call.”

Kenjirou nodded and unlocked his door, seeing her off as he closed the door behind him. It was dark in the room, and he could only assume Kawanishi was asleep.

He leaned against the door for a moment, just standing in the darkness. He wasn’t sure what to do or if he could even sleep.

He decided he didn’t have the energy to do anything else, so he slowly walked over and crawled onto his bed, burying his face in his pillow and letting out a deep sigh.

Silence passed over the room, and he succumbed to exhaustion.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Kawanishi peeked over his shoulder, eyes trained on his roommate through the darkness.

He flipped back over, facing the wall as he pulled out his phone, opening a group message.

 

**Kawanishi**

He’s home.

 

**Reon**

Thank goodness

 

**Eita**

Is he alright?

What happened?

 

**Kawanishi**

I don’t think so. He just stood there for like five minutes and then fell asleep as soon he got in bed.

 

**Satori**

wow kenken never falls asleep right away

 

**Eita**

That’s concerning....

 

**Tsutomu**

Is he gonna be alright?!

**Satori**

i wonder what happened

 

**Reon**

Whatever it is, I think we should give him some space

Shirabu has never been very open

 

**Satori**

tru

 

**Eita**

Are you sure?

I was thinking we could just all hang out tomorrow and try to lighten things up...

 

**Hayato**

We could buy him shirasu or something

**Wakatoshi**

If Shirabu doesn’t want to do anything, we should’t make him.

 

**Satori**

we won’t we won’t

just gotta let him know we’re there ya know

**Tsutomu**

So are we not having practice tomorrow?!

 

**Eita**

We’ll still have morning practice.

We should let him sleep in though.

 

**Kawanishi**

Yeah, he doesn’t look like he’ll be moving for a while.

I’ll ask him tomorrow if he wants to do anything.

Text you guys later

 

**Wakatoshi**

Make sure you all get an appropriate amount of rest.

 

**Satori**

says the guy also texting at 1:30 in the morning

 

**Kawanishi**

Just sleep, Tendou.

 

**Wakatoshi**

Good night.

 

Kawanishi sighed and deposited his phone on the corner of his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He fell into deep thought, wondering how he should approach the issue tomorrow when he had absolutely no clue how serious it was. He didn’t want to come off as pitying. He knew Shirabu wouldn’t like that. But Shirabu got pissed off at _everything_ , so even if Kawanishi tried to avoid any sense of pitying, the angry setter would probably still view it as such. For now, he decided he’d leave the issue for tomorrow.....

 

* * *

 

 

When he opened his eyes, sunlight was beaming through the blinds on the window, casting lines across the dim room. Kenjirou lay still, curled up on his side, as he stared at the wall beside him. He could tell it was late; too late to make it to practice, but he didn’t care. He didn’t feel it in him to get out of bed....and certainly not to face anyone.

He felt heavy and sluggish, as he turned over to stretch his arms and legs, trying to soothe his aching muscles. He let out a heavy breath, squinting at the clock perched on the desk near the window. It read 12:31 in the afternoon. Kenjirou groaned internally for having slept so long, but he was relieved it was too late to bother going to class.

He knew, logically, that he should be rushing to make it to lunch in time. After all, he hadn’t really eaten a proper dinner the night before and had slept through breakfast.

Even so, he didn’t feel hungry.

He was surprised by just how much.... _nothing_....he felt.

Shouldn’t he be depressed?

Shouldn’t he be angry? Punching a wall?

Or maybe he should be feeling that _emptiness_ that had run through him yesterday.

But instead, it was an almost normal, expected _nothingness_ that lingered in him. His mind was running through the situation, and yet all he could feel was calm. Like there were no problems in the world. Like everything was normal. But he _knew_ it wasn’t. And he wanted to punch himself for feeling that way, if even for a moment.

 _‘It was probably on the news this morning,’_ he thought to himself.

He knew he couldn’t run away from the issue this time. His friends would know that his father had murdered his mother. His friends would know that his father had killed himself. They would know that he was now alone. They would get ideas about what his home life had been like, and they would _know._

That thought terrified him.

And the weight of it all finally resurfaced.

His breath hitched, and he felt a tightness in his chest. A sob racked his body, and he quickly brought his hand up to cover his mouth as he tried to hold back the anguished sounds that threatened to spill through his fingers. He turned to the side, facing out into the room, and curled his body into a fetal position, choking on air as he wheezed between sobs. His emotions rushed through him overwhelmingly, and he could feel his lungs and his throat reaching their limit. He gritted his teeth and clenched the sheets beneath him as he tried to reign in his cries, bringing them down to a whimper. His breath shook as he tried to calm his breathing once again. The tears that had been streaming down his face had slowed but continued to pour out and drip onto the bed.

Unsteady breaths and occasional sniffles filled the silence of the room. It took a few minutes before the tears finally stopped flowing, and he was left with a rawness under his eyes and stickiness on his cheeks. He knew he should at least wipe the streaks from his face, but he just couldn’t find the energy to move. His mind continued to reel on, threatening to break him apart again.

So he began to ground himself back into the room. His eyes darted around and began to take note of his surroundings.

He glanced around, looking for anything that stuck out to him. Anything he could focus on. _‘There’s the letter mom sent me last month.’_ he thought, looking at the card that jutted out from the row of books on his shelf. _‘My homework is still sitting on the desk.’_ he noted. _‘Kawanishi left his clothes on the floor again’_ he noted, studying the clutter on the other half of the room. _‘He left his sketchbook open,’_ he thought as his eyes bounced around the room. _‘And he forgot his phone charger in the outlet again.’_

Kenjirou twitched his fingers and brushed them across the bed sheet. _‘The fibers are rough,’_ he thought, moving his hand further up. _‘This spot is wet.’_ He slowly lifted his hand up and touched his face. _‘My skin is sticky,’_ he noted as he wiped away the drying tears. _‘And...my hair is oily,’_ he noted, brushing the bangs out of his face.

He closed his eyes and began to listen. _‘There are people walking outside.’_ he noticed, hearing the distant footsteps and conversations outside the building _. ‘There’s someone running around upstairs,’_ he thought, hearing the heavy thumps of someone seemingly dashing down the dorm hallway. _‘And—’_ He heard a click. _‘The door just opened.’_

Kenjirou’s eyes went wide, and in a panic, he flipped himself over to face the wall and brought his blanket up over his head to hide his face. He froze as he heard footsteps come into the room and stop in the middle.

He could feel the eyes boring into him, and he tried so hard not to move or make the slightest sound.

“I know you’re awake, Shirabu.”

Kenjirou flinched, pulling the covers tighter as he curled more into himself.

“I literally just saw you move,” Kawanishi stated obviously. “And you never sleep with the covers over your head.......Also, you should probably breathe,” he said after a moment.

Kenjirou let out the breath he’d been holding, relaxing his grip on the blanket. “...Did you come here just to annoy me?” he asked tiredly.

Kawanishi sighed and placed a bento of assorted foods on the stand next to Shirabu’s bed. “I’m just bringing lunch. I figured you would be hungry,” he said and stepped back, plopping himself in his desk chair as he opened his own bento.

“I’m not,” Kenjirou answered honestly. “But thanks.”

Kawanishi blinked at the lump on the bed. “Did you eat?” he asked, confused. A moment passed, and he hadn’t received an answer. He sighed, placing his bento aside. He stood and crossed the room, hovering by his roommate’s bed. “Shirabu. When did you eat last?”

Kenjirou’s answer was hesitant, as he found himself feeling trapped. “......Lunch....”

“Today? Or yesterday?” Kawanishi asked demandingly. He sighed again when he got no response. It was a wordless answer, hanging in the air with a tinge of disappointment. Kawanishi already knew what it meant, even without it being said. He lowered his voice, almost to a whisper. “You have to eat, Shirabu.”

A small sigh emitted from the pile of blanket on the bed. “I’ll eat later.”

Kawanishi felt himself losing this battle. He decided maybe it would be better not to push his friend too much. “Alright.” He tried not to sound too disappointed. “The team is going out for food later, if you want to join us.”

A pause hovered in the room before Kenjirou finally answered. “I’ll think about it,” he said, honestly unsure what he would want.

Kawanishi nodded, though his friend couldn’t see it. “I’ll stop by in a little while then.” He picked up his own unfinished bento and started out of the room. “Text me if you need anything,” he said,  hovering by the door to see if he’d get a response. When he didn’t, he just turned back toward the doorway and opened it, leaving his friend to himself.

Kenjirou appreciated his friend’s gesture, really. He just hated the feeling of being tiptoed around, like he was some fragile child.

Maybe he was.

Maybe he _would_ break if his problems were confronted directly.

He didn’t really know.

But nonetheless, he hated it. He hated it with his entire being. He hated feeling _small._ He didn’t want to feel that way anymore. That’s all he’d ever felt when he’d been at home with his parents; with his father. He wanted that feeling to go away.

And yet, that feeling lingered. He wondered if he’d ever escape it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

After a few hours, Kenjirou found it in himself to roll out of bed and take a quick shower. Well....maybe not so quick. His usual five-minute shower has somehow turned into twenty-five minutes. He wasn’t even sure how. He didn’t think he’d stood there for so long, but he supposed time wasn’t exactly on his side right now.

It was now that he desparately wished he didn’t have to share the dorm’s bathrooms with countless other people. He dressed as quickly as he could and headed out, but he could still feel the occasional glances cast his way.

He headed back down the hallway, toward his dorm room. People passed by, and he didn’t fail to notice the looks of sympathy and even curiosity as they watched him.

He knew people would know. He knew it’d be on the news. But he really didn’t think they’d know those were _his_ parents.

But then, maybe they’d heard about the police taking him from volleyball practice.

It was only normal that they’d know, he thought. _Of course_ they would know.

He felt isolated. Like he was some wild and _broken_ animal, constricted and trapped in a _small, cold,_ metal cage.......and the world around him was watching, staring intently for something to happen.

He tried not to shrink under their gazes as he sped up a little to make it to his room.

He was thankful when he was finally able to close the door behind him. A weight lifted off of him, and he found himself sinking to the floor as he leaned against the door.

School had been his safe place.

He was supposed to feel _good_ here.

He was supposed to feel _equal._

And yet, against all will, the world had reverted to shoving him back to the ground.

He wished, so desperately, that his mother could be here to help ease this pressure; this feeling of _smallness_. But she was gone, and he knew that.

It still didn’t feel real.

But he _knew_ it was.

And it _hurt._

It hurt to have a gaping hole in his chest. He could feel it spreading, like it was trying to consume him whole. Bit by bit, ever so slowly.

But an anger flared up in him.

_‘If she had just left, none of this would have happened.’_

_‘If she had listened to me.......she’d still be here.’_

_‘If I hadn’t left.....maybe I could have convinced her to come with me.’_

_‘I could have convinced her to leave.’_

_‘But I didn’t.’_

_‘I left.’_

_‘I left her there.’_

_‘I knew he would hurt her._

_‘..And I left anyway.’_

_‘It’s my fault.’_

_‘It’s my fault. It’s my fault she’s dead. I could have saved her. I could have stopped him. I could have reported him. Why did I listen to her? Why did I leave? Why didn’t I do something? Why was I so useless? Why did I just –pretend- she’d be fine? Why....why did I run away?’_

Before he could stop them, his thoughts had taken control and were running wild with blame and guilt. He hadn’t realized when he’d started crying, but he could feel the tears once again cascading down his face. He reached up with both hands and gripped his head, holding it tightly in a failed effort to cease these thoughts. But they were echoing – pounding through his skull at a rapid pace. He felt as if he might explode. He felt as if he _deserved_ to.

He heard a click, and before he could process the sound, he felt himself being shoved to the side.

The door pushed open, just enough for a figure to slide through.

The figure stood there, seemingly surprised as it peeked in to see what _–who-_ was blocking the door.

Kenjirou’s racing thoughts haulted, and he felt like a deer in headlights, staring up at his roommate. He was completely distraught as he realized just how horrible he must have looked, sitting against the door, gripping his head, a pained and terrified expression overflowing with tears.

He felt so small.

He couldn’t move, frozen in place as his heart’s beat hastened. He stared at his friend, almost pleadingly, for this sight of him to be erased from his friend’s mind.

Kawanishi frowned, a broken look in his eyes as he studied Kenjirou’s appearance. After what seemed like a very long moment, he turned and leaned his head out of the doorway that he was standing in. Kenjirou could hear him speaking quietly. “...I’ll meet up with you guys later.”

 _“Is something wrong?”_ he heard Semi’s voice ask from outside.

A few more indiscernible sentences were spoken between Kawanishi and Semi, but Kenjirou’s mind had flooded them out. His head was throbbing uncontrollably, and he was starting to feel dizzy.

He didn’t notice the door close until Kawanishi was crouched beside him, touching his arm, and gently pulling it away from the grip on his head.

“Hey....” Kawanishi whispered, trying to get Kenjirou to look back toward him. It didn’t seem to be working, as his friend’s eyes shifted in the opposite direction, refusing to meet with his. Kawanishi sighed, knowing that the last thing his roommate wanted was to talk about what happened. He didn’t want to push the issue, but he knew it would do no good for him to leave his friend alone again. Not if _this_ was what happened. Kawanishi wasn’t very emotionally open either, but.....it hurt to see such a strong person so broken down. He could only imagine the pain his friend must be going through.

So, Kawanishi decided to seat himself on the floor next to Kenjirou, where they continued to sit for several minutes in silence as the latter reined in his tears.

Kawanishi took this time to make a few observations. He’d noticed the damp hair and fresh clothes his friend was sporting, indicating that he’d actually left the room to get a shower. That was a good sign, he thought. His eyes trailed the room and spotted the bento he’d brought earlier. It was now on Kenjirou’s bed, so he could only assume that some of the food had been eaten. He was glad, if just a bit, to know that his friend wasn’t completely shutting himself in or starving.

“....You think you’ll join us for dinner?” Kawanishi asked, breaking the silence.

Kenjirou frowns, looking over at Kawanishi, but not quite meeting his eyes. “Everyone will stare at me.”

“We aren’t going to do anything that’ll make you uncomfortable.”

“Everything makes me uncomfortable,” Kenjirou responded irritably.

“Well now you’re just being difficult,” Kawanishi sighed, leaning his head back against the door. He peeked over at his friend, who had now buried his face in his knees, arms wrapped around them. Kawanishi realized then that the other’s comment had not been his usual smartass remark but rather a statement of how he felt. He rolled his eyes, silently cursing himself. “Alright....Would it be better if everyone came here instead?”

Kenjirou shrugged. He felt like they would pity him if they came. “Is our room really big enough for that?”

“We could squeeze...”

Kenjirou furrowed his eyebrows, giving his friend a quizzical look. “You _hate_ cramped places. _And_ crowds of people.”

Now it was Kawanishi’s turn to shrug. “But the team really wants to support you and stuff,” he admitted. “And I think you could use a break from your own thoughts. Maybe we could watch a movie or something? I don’t know.”

Kenjirou sighed internally, letting a small smile slip onto his face. “I didn’t think I’d ever see the day Kawanishi Taichi was considerate toward another living being,” he teased, earning an elbow nudge from his friend.

Kawanishi smirked. “Shut up and be grateful.”

Kenjirou smiled genuinely and gave a soft laugh. “I am.”

“Good,” Kawanishi said, smiling. He then stood up and stretched, cracking his knees and back. He extended his arm down and helped Kenjirou to his feet. “I’ll text the others to bring food and movies. And a tv.”

“Tell Tendou _no anime_ ,” Kenjirou said as he started cleaning up the mess in their room, despite most of it not being his.

“Got it,” Kawanishi nodded and continued typing into his phone.

Thirty minutes later, their room was packed with teammates and tons of food. There was a stack of different pizzas and an assortment of snacks and drinks. Both Kawanishi’s and Shirabu’s beds, along with the floor and desk chairs, were covered by the group of volleyball players. On the television Tendou had brought, The Road to El Dorado was playing, and of course Tendou was singing along loudly. Yamagata and Ohira were conversing about El Dorado conspiracy theories. Goshiki was consistantly asking questions about what was going on in the film, as his attention span kept shifting between the movie and his teammate’s conversation. Ushijima was silent as he watched the screen, only nodding whenever Tendou would talk to him about various things happening in the movie. Kawanishi huddled far into the corner of his bed, watching the movie uncomfortably as he tried his best to keep others out of his personal space bubble.

Semi, on the other hand, only pretended to pay attention to the film. It was obvious that he was constantly checking on Kenjirou, as he sat right beside him on the bed and would occasionally glance over, even making occasional comments. At one point, he seemed to notice Kenjirou staring into space, as if his mind wasn’t entirely there. “You doing alright?” he asked, lowering his voice so no one else would pick up on it.

Kenjirou hummed in response and gave a half shrug.

Semi frowned. “....I’m really sorry, Shirabu.”

“Don’t be,” Kenjirou replied, sounding almost annoyed. “It was bound to happen eventually.”

This only made Semi’s frown deepen, and he turned away, gazing down at the bed sheets. “I’m glad you weren’t there when it happened.”

Kenjirou let out a heavy breath and spoke in a quiet voice. “If I’d been there, it _wouldn’t_ have happened.”

 Semi looked back at him with a hurt expression. “Shirabu.....” He trailed off and shook his head. “No. Kenjirou, you couldn’t have done anything. Don’t blame yourself for this.”

“I’ve stopped him before,” Kenjirou whispered, anger underlying in his voice. He crossed his arms over his knees and glared at the wall beside him, taking a somewhat protective stance.

Realization dawned in Semi’s mind, and his eyes grew painfully soft. This wasn’t a sudden thing that just _happened_ without warning. This had been going on at Shirabu’s home for a long time. He realized the gravity of the situation just then. Shirabu _blamed himself_ because he _knew_ this outcome could have happened, and he must have thrown himself between his parents to _keep_ this from happening. That wasn’t right, Semi thought. No child should be in that situation. No father should have done that to his child. And yet—Semi was furious with this man he’d never met. This man that was already gone. He was furious and heartbroken that his friend had been put through such a thing. And it hurt _so much_ to know that Shirabu was blaming himself. “You shouldn’t have had to,” he said after processing his thoughts.

Kenjirou turned toward him, startled by his angry tone.

Semi didn’t notice that his voice had caught the others’ attention as well. He continued. “You shouldn’t have had to stop him,” he clarified, looking at Kenjirou defiantly.

After the initial stun, Kenjirou found himself glaring at Semi. “So what? I should have done nothing?”

“That’s not—” Semi shook his head.

“What’s done is done,” Kenjirou said, turning his head away again, his eyes glassy. “Stop trying to make it like I couldn’t do anything. Fuck off.”

A silence passed through the room, some of the teammates watching the two of them worriedly while others looked away with sad expressions. Kenjirou was on the verge of tears and radiating a painful anger that seeped into the room. No one really knew what to do, so of course, Tendou did was he did best.

He joked.

“Gee, SemiSemi, you made him cry. What a dick.”

“I didn’t—”

“Yeah, comeon man,” Yamagata teased.

“Asshole,” Kawanishi shouted, smirking.

“You should apologize, Semi-san!” Goshiki, not really understanding, contributed anyway.

Ohira gave Semi a sympathetic look, and Ushijima gave him a curt nod.

Semi felt terrible, especially after his captain agreed, silently demanding him to apologize.

“I’m waiting,” Kenjirou said, still not looking at him.

Semi glanced at him and sighed, smiling. “Alright, I’m sorry.”

“For?” Kenjirou teased.

“For being an ass,” he said, giving in.

Kenjirou smirked, silently thankful for his teammates lightening the mood instead of joining the argument. He knew this wouldn’t be the last time they’d discuss this. He knew they’d probably argue about his blaming himself. And he knew he’d have trouble keeping his emotions reined in. But for now, he was glad.

He was so glad he didn’t have to feel so _small_ when he was with them. They were respectful, and he was grateful for how they handled this situation. For how they were handling _all_ of this.

He knew he’d tell them about it eventually; about his home life and his parents. But for now, he was thankful just to have his thoughts to himself.....and to be surrounded by his friends.

_His family._

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to write this a bit more personal to Kenjirou, so I generally referred to him by first name throughout, unless one of the other characters was referring to him.  
> I was going to write a lot more to this and make Kenjirou suffer more, but......well......I got bored. So the ending was done very quickly, and I apologize if it's a bit disappointing. 
> 
> Also, I apologize for any errors. I do not proofread my work. lol
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all liked it! Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Please leave a comment below! I would greatly appreciate it.


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